December part 1

Someone doesn't like finger foods.

Trying to decide which bunny to attach to.

Rare mommy and baby moment.

Terrorizing Daddy.

Checking out my new Britax Marathon carseat mommy bought on Cyber Monday!

The day she attached.

I like this one.

My hair is growing!

I'm going to lick this then throw it on the ground.

I just started sucking on these pouches.

Hanging out in downtown LA at a Christmas festival

I see you!

My first time on the train! 

Transitional Object

Last week, Elise finally "attached" to a toy for her transitional object.  I actually purchased her a specific organic lovey and encouraged her to snuggle with it every night in her crib.  But she didn't attach.  She did, however, connect with a cute stuffed bunny one of my friends bought her.  Out of nowhere, she fell in love with this bunny and carries it everywhere she goes.  I love how SHE chose her special object.

This thing works.  She normally cries at Little Lambs, the church nursery, but last Sunday, she didn't cry for the first time and I think it was because it was her first time bringing the bunny.  We also had our first Life Group meeting tonight at a friend's house and they separated the kids from the parents.  I was absolutely certain that she was going to cry.  Well, I'm happy to report that she was the only baby/toddler that did not cry!!!  I'm seriously amazed.  This thing is magic.  Well, of course, as soon as she attached, I went online and bought 2 more.  Thank God she attached to something that is still in production. 

Some pics of her and her BFF:

Ferber update

Elise at Kidspace today

Night 1: Screamed 1 hour and 2 minutes
Night 2: Screamed 21 minutes
Night 3: Screamed 12 minutes

So, Elise is improving time-wisebut it still remains to be seen whether she will ever get to the point of not crying.  She is still screaming in a way that she never did with the gentler method.  The main reason why I am even doing Ferber is because she would always cry 5-10 minutes with the gentle method.  Elise is such a laid-back baby and rarely cries in general, and so when she does cry at bedtime, I take it very seriously.  I've been communicating with the sleep consultant, and it sounds like a small percentage of babies always cry 5-10 minutes before naps and bedtime no matter what.  I'm pretty sure Elise falls into this category given her temperament.  She is SUPER attached, never plays independently, doesn't even like it when I walk away from her to go to the couch, and just doesn't like being alone in general. 

I'm part of a facebook December 2011 mom's group and there are a few other babies who are also like this, but their moms just leave them to cry every time.  I don't think I could do this.  I know that Elise is generally in distress by the way she is crying.  I still feel so much sadness over the first night, where she threw up while screaming and falling asleep while standing against her crib.  :(   Anyway, here's hoping the next few nights show improvement.  But if it doesn't work, we're willing to to adapt to her sleep needs.

more childcare changes. :(

Elise's babysitter informed me yesterday that her daughter (my church friend) is resigning from her job in January, which means that Elise's childcare situation will have to change once again.  I have the option of continuing with this babysitter if I drop Elise off at her home, which is about 15-20 minutes away.  I am really sad about this.  Elise has already changed childcare once and I hate to have to do it again.  Her first babysitter had to quit after a few months and now her second one is changing again.  Elise is also really bonded to Olivia, her 3 year old granddaughter and I'm sad to change that.  I registered her at Lake Ave preschool today, which starts in July.  I hate to have Elise go through so many transitions in such a short period of time.  I guess this is the risk you take when you go with a non-established daycare.  

Last night, I had a nightmare that Elise was playing on the beach and I was away from her, but close enough to see her.  I saw a black tsunami like thing about to engulf her and I knew I didn't have enough time to rescue her.  I know it was just a dream but I am really shaken up by it today.  Clearly, this nightmare is a result of last night's sleep training and possibly the daycare change.  I am feeling really horrible today and sick to my stomach about everything.  I know in the grand scheme of things, these are absolutely minor things, but it is really wrecking with my emotions. 

Torture = Ferber

OK, so the gentle sleep training is not working because no matter what, Elise always cries 5 - 10 minutes.  She doesn't scream hysterically, but she can cry pretty hard.

I really want her to learn how to sleep as well as stop co-sleeping.  OK, actually, we love co-sleeping, but really think that she should be learning how to sleep independently.  Anyway, we started Ferber tonight, with checks at 5, 7, 9 minutes.  OMG.  Elise SCREAMED for an hour.  I was dying the entire time.  The whole time, she was standing at the corner of the crib since that is where it faces the living room.  She threw up once over the crib.  That was my biggest fear.  She's never thrown up before.  :(   Towards the end of the hour, she fell asleep while standing, with her head resting on the corner of the crib.  She was so exhausted.  Eventually, she fell asleep after an hour an 20 minutes after her normal bedtime, due to exhaustion.  She didn't even learn anything tonight.

I'm going to give this 3 nights.  If there is no promise, then I will throw in the towel.  From everything that I've read, a small percentage of babies do not respond to sleep-training and are just high-need sleepers.  I'm totally OK if Elise falls into this category.  However, I need to try to teach her how to sleep, but if she totally resists, then I will accept her uniqueness and roll with the punches.  I've read a lot of accounts where some moms just had their babies scream for weeks and weeks until they finally gave up.  I'm not going to put any of us through that torture.  We've done gentle sleep training twice, both times for weeks, and it didn't work, and so I have a feeling that this might not work either.  Oh, and not to mention that Elise is the ONLY baby we know of that can't fall asleep in the car.  So yes, I think she's a tough nut to crack in the sleep department!

I have a few friends who fall into the co-sleeping camp.  They intentionally chose co-sleeping for philosophical reasons.  Their kids transitioned to sleeping independently around 2.  If all of this doesn't work, then we are prepared for another year of co-sleeping.

Hate this.

Noodle Lover

Elise's favorite food is most definitely Asian noodles.  I've tried to give her different forms of pasta but she rejects all of them.  One day, my mom gave her some udon noodles and she slurped all of them up.  Today, we went to an Asian buffet restaurant (never again) and Elise just went crazy over the chow mein noodles!  She rejected at least a dozen other foods I tried to give her, but she ate a huge portion of noodles, as well as some watermelon.

I'm learning that Elise is a pretty picky eater.  I was worried about this and I fear that she will be one of those kids who will only eat mac n' cheese and chicken nuggets.  I try to offer her so many different types of foods in finger food form but she just throws it on the ground.  It is a little discouraging to go through the process of making her food only for her to reject it.  Welcome to motherhood, right?  She still eats pureed food like a champ although she should really be moving onto regular finger foods now.  I emailed her pediatrician, who said not to worry and keep offering finger foods. 

I also forgot to mention a funny incident that happened at church last Sunday.  In Little Lambs (church nursery), I"m volunteering for the month so lucky Elise gets to have mommy in the room with her.  At one point, I held another baby and Elise went CRAZY, nearly inconsolable!  It actually took her a long time to calm down.  I don't know if she felt jealous or abandoned or what.  I've never seen her like that.  For the rest of the time, she wanted to be right next to me, and she would even whimper if I even started to talk to another baby.  Wow! 

Oh, and thanks for all the comments on the working mom blog post.  Nothing like a good ol' working mom/stay-at-home mom discussion to get the comments going, haha.  I guess the grass will always be greener, right?  I'm actually reading this really interesting book right now called "Midlife Crisis at 30: How the Stakes Have Changed for a New Generation--And What to Do about It".  It really delves into our generation's "crisis" of having to negotiate the demands between marriage, kids, and working in our late 20s/early 30s. Because we're marrying later, having kids later, and have nearly equal professional opportunities as men, these advancements are actually putting women in really difficult predicaments where we're having to juggle these priorities in a way that men do not. 

I really hope that by the time Elise is 30, she will not have to struggle as much we do with these decisions.  I hope that workplaces can adopt more family-friendly policies (like a year long maternity leave and flexible schedules) and that Elise and her girlfriends will have these important discussions earlier in their development rather than in their late 20s, oftentimes when it is "too late".  We all grew up in a world where we were taught that we were exactly the same as boys and could do whatever they did, but I think in that message of total equality, it left out a crucial discussion of how something like motherhood can make our professional trajectory look a little bit different than men. 

Working Mom

I have been reflecting a lot these days about what it means to be a "working mom".  I feel so fortunate to have a flexible schedule where I can spend a little more time with Elise than most office jobs would allow.  If I still had my DMH job, where I was gone for the day from 7 am to 6 pm, I would only get to see Elise to basically wish her goodnight, weekends, and every other Friday.  I'd probably get depressed and quit my job.  I don't know how most working moms do it, particularly those with even longer work hours plus travel.  I don't judge them because I know that they worked extremely hard to get to the positions they are in and they are responsible for shifting the professional landscape so that my own daughter can aspire to be whatever she wants to be (hello Melissa Mayer!).  I just know that I am not cut out for that.

If things work out and I get this job at APU, then I will likely be on campus all day Tuesdays and Thursdays and have more flexibility the rest of the week.  As I think about my role as a mom, I really want to prioritize things like being able to pick up my kids from school, process their day with them, and cook good family meals.  However, if I am to do those things, then it means that I will likely be working many nights and weekends.  I'm totally OK with that- I've been doing this my whole adult life as a student, after all.  In the infamous Atlantic article "Why Women Still Can't Have It All", the author, also a professor, argues that in order for working women to achieve that work/life balance, they have to be able to have a flexible schedule, among other things.  Working a full-time job plus being an active parent is possible although it does sound very tiring.

In an ideal world, I would be able to work part-time for about 5-7 years.  I think moms who have that option, most of whom are in health care apparently, are extremely fortunate.  I actually encourage young women to consider pursuing health care jobs so that they have this option.  It sounds really anti-progressive to encourage girls and women to consider career opportunities that are conducive to motherhood, but I know so many moms who wished they had more professional flexibility.  We're always like, "those nurses/therapists/doctors" are so lucky!

On the other hand, I don't think I could survive as a stay-at-home-mom.  I'm not cut out for that, either.  I am just built as a doer, a change-maker, and am constantly thinking about how to spend my time and strengths in order to build God's kingdom.  And as much as I love Elise, the monotony and loneliness of staying at home is really hard on me, too.  I also think she likes some change in scenery, as I know she loves spending time with her big sister, Olivia, at daycare 4 days a week. 

Anyway, just some thoughts as I reflect about what my life could look like if I get this APU job.  Bry is on a Mon/Wed/Fri schedule and so we talked about alternating days for doing things like school pick-up and whatnot.  It is weird to think that the realization of our "destiny" could be right around the corner!